In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
