I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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