Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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