the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
