Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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