Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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