I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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