i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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