got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
