my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I will pee on everything he values.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
