I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
