worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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