She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
