tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
