he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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