I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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