its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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