i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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