Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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