honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
