If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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