just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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