also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
