So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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