I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
