i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
