i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
