hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
