if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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