I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
