The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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