who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
We're like a lot better than the average bears
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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