this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
