just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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