im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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