I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
