Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
