Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
