Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
