you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
