I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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