It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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