We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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