matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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