i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
