Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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