I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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