the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
