life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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