First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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