mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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