Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
