The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
