She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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