You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
