dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
