there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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